Ever wondered how the term “dad jokes” came about? Perhaps it’s because conversations with dad can sometimes lead to a funny and clever answer. Here are some puns and jokes that dads are sure to love.
Best Dad Jokes To Make Dad Proud
1. What did one pirate say to the other when he beat him at chess?
Checkmatey.
2. Why did Shakespeare’s wife leave him?
She got sick of all the drama.
3. What do you call Santa’s little helpers?
Subordinate clauses.
4. What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is extremely big and heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
5. Where did Captain Hook get his hook?
From the second-hand store.
6. What is the most groundbreaking invention of all time?
The shovel.
7. What did the evil chicken lay?
Deviled eggs.
8. What do you call a fish with no eye?
A fsh.
9. What is the only concert in the world that costs 45 cents?
50 Cent, featuring Nickelback.
10. Why do dogs float in water?
Because they are good buoys.
11. Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re so good at it.
12. What did the glass of wine say to the glass of beer?
Nothing. They barley knew each other.
13. What did the DNA say to the other DNA?
“Do these genes make me look fat?”
14. What time did the kid go to the dentist yesterday?
Tooth-hurty.
15. What happens when it rains cats and dogs?
You have to be careful not to step in a poodle.
16. What do you call a lazy kangaroo?
Pouch potato.
17. Why is grass so dangerous?
Because it’s full of blades.
18. What’s the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language.
19. What do you need to make a small fortune on Wall Street?
A large fortune.
20. Can February March?
No, but April May.
21. What do you call 50 pigs and 50 deer?
100 sows and bucks.
22. What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two…
23. Why don’t eggs tell jokes?
They’d crack each other up.
24. Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work.
25. What’s a bad wizard’s favourite computer program?
Spell-check.
26. Why do melons have weddings?
Because they cantaloupe.
27. Why do pumpkins sit on porches?
They have no hands to knock on the door.
28. What do you call a hippie’s wife?
Mississippi.
29. Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens?
All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach…”
30. What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta.
31. Did you hear they arrested the devil?
Yeah, they got him on possession.
32. What’s green and has wheels?
Grass. I lied about the wheels.
33. What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.
34. Did you hear about the racing snail who got rid of his shell?
He thought it would make him faster, but it just made him sluggish.
35. What does a house wear?
Address.
36. Do mascara and lipstick ever argue?
Sure, but then they make up.
37. What do you call a donkey with only three legs?
A wonkey.
38. What was the child who wouldn’t nap guilty of?
Resisting a rest!
39. Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip?
I was heels overhead!
40. What do you call an unpredictable camera?
A loose Canon.
41. What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?
So-fish-ticated.
42. Why did the raisin go out with the prune?
Because he couldn’t find a date.
43. What do you call a fish with four eyes?
Fiiish!
44. How do celebrities stay cool?
They have many fans.
45. Why was the dad sitting on a pack of playing cards?
His kid asked him to sit on the deck.
46. What brand of underwear do scientists wear?
Kelvin Klein.
47. What do you call a beehive without an exit?
Unbelievable.
48. What does a mobster buried in cement soon become?
A hardened criminal.
49. Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner?
It was Chewie.
50. Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank?
They just wash up on shore.
51. What kind of music do astronauts listen to?
Neptunes.
52. How do you get a good price on a sled?
You have toboggan.
53. What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire.
54. What’s a ninja’s favourite type of shoes?
Sneakers
55. How does the man on the moon get his hair cut?
Eclipse it
56. What piece on the playground is always exhausted?
The tire swing.
57. What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
58. What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
59. Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
60. Why’d the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test?
He’s an excellent parallel Parker.
61. How did the hipsters burn their tongues?
They drank their coffee before it was cool.
62. What’s blue and not very heavy?
Light blue
63. What do you call a wizard who’s really bad at football?
Fumbledore.
64. What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal?
A polar bear.
65. What’s Forrest Gump’s Facebook password?
1forest1.
66. Where do cows go for entertainment?
To the moovies.
67. Why did the dad toss his clock out of the window?
He wanted to see time fly.
68. Why are snails bad at racing?
They’re sluggish.
69. How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
70. Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use a honeycomb.
71. Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
If they flew over the bay they’d be called bagels.
72. What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear.
73. What does a zombie vegetarian eat?
“Grrrraiiiinns!”
74. What did the plumber say to the singer?
Nice pipes.
75. Where do pirates get their hooks?
Second-hand stores.
76. What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
“Supplies!”
77. Why was the gossip disliked at the coffee shop?
She always spilt the tea.
78. What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts?
A barberqueue.
79. Why do dogs float in water?
Because they are good buoys.
80. Where do horses live?
In neigh-borhoods.
81. Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating?
Because they have nobody to go with!
82. Why don’t they play poker in the jungle?
Too many cheetahs!
83. What do you call someone with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows.
84. Why did two tall people get along so well?
They could really see eye to eye.
85. Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He neverlands!
86. What’s an astronaut’s favourite part of the computer?
The Space Bar.
87. Why is that cemetery so popular?
People are just dying to get in there!
88. Where do young trees go to learn?
Elementree school.
89. What sound does a witch’s car make?
Broom broom!
90. What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.
91. What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
Nothing, they just waved.
92. What is a guitar player’s favourite Italian food?
Strum-boli.
93. What do you call a bundle of hay in a church?
Christian Bale.
94. What did the Alpaca say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
95. Did you hear about the guy who froze to death at the drive-in?
He went to see Closed for the Winter.
96. What do you call a man who can’t stand?
Neil.
97. What do you call a dog that can do magic?
A Labracabrador.
98. What did the buffalo say when his son left?
Bison!
99. What do you call a shoe made of a banana?
A slipper
100. How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner.
101. Why are piggy banks so wise?
They’re filled with common cents.”
102. What did the dad say when his golden retriever was caught eating a hot dog?
“It’s a dog eat dog world out there.”
103. What kind of music do Santa’s elves listen to while working?
Wrap music!
104. What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work?
A can’t opener!
105. How come the Hulk doesn’t lose his pants when he transforms?
The experiment altered his jeans.
106. What do you call a sad cup of coffee?
Depresso.
107. How many tickles does it take to tickle an octopus?
Ten tickles
108. Did you hear the rumor about butter?
Well, I’m not going to spread it!
109. What do you call a beehive without an exit?
Unbelievable.
110. What does a baby computer call his father?
Data.
111. How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb?
Who wants to know?
112. How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?
He felt his presents
113. What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?
Philippe Flop.
114. Which days are the strongest?
Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.
115. Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house?
Because the ghosts bring all the boos.
116. How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around them.
117. What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament?
Live stream
118. If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get?
Missile toe.
119. How many DIY buffs does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but it takes two weeks and four trips to the hardware store.
120. What has five toes and isn’t your foot?
My foot.
121. Did you hear the one about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground?
It was a knot-for-profit.
122. Want to hear a long joke?
Jooooooooooooooke.
123. How do cows stay up to date?
They read the Moo-spaper.
124. Who were the greenest Presidents in US history?
The bushes.
125. When does a joke become a “dad joke?”
When it becomes apparent.
126. Why was 2019 afraid of 2020?
Because they had a fight and 2021.
127. Why did the cracker go to the hospital?
Because it felt crummy.
128. How do moths swim?
Using the butterfly stroke.
129. How does cereal pay its bills?
With Chex
130. How do flat-earthers travel?
On a plane.
131. Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die?
They dilate.
132. How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
You will see one later and one in a while.
133. Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer?
He couldn’t see himself doing it.
134. After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.
Dad Jokes And Puns Fathers Will Love
Although many a times dad jokes are filled with puns, if you’re looking for some funny one-liners or story jokes that dads will love, you’re in for a treat. Here are some funny dad jokes that are one-liners or long stories.
135. At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?” I told them, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”
136. My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction. I packed up my stuff and right.
137. A buddy asked how many fish I caught. I told him it’s not polite to fish and tell.
138. Son: Dad, I’m hungry.
Dad: Hi hungry, I’m Dad.
139. My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, “I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.”
140. A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!
141. A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
142. Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
Son: No. What happened?
Dad: The teacher woke him up.
143. Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
144. I’m afraid of the calendar. Its days are numbered.
145. “Knock, knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Ayatollah.”
“Ayatollah who?”
“Ayatollah you already.”
146. I was addicted to hokey pokey…but I turned myself around.
147. My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction. I packed up my stuff and right.
148. What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
149. My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punchline.
150. My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.
151. If you want to get a job at the moisturizer factory you’re going to have to apply daily.
152. Dogs can’t operate MRI machines. But catscan.
153. Lance isn’t that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot.
154. Can a kangaroo jump higher than the empire state building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump.
155. I cut my finger slicing cheese the other day but I think I may have grater problems than that.
156. Teacher: “There are two words I don’t allow in my class. One is gross, and the other is cool.”
Student: “So, what are the words?”
157. My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean.
158. How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!
159. I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house but the kids still get in.
160. I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.
161. A steak pun is a rare medium done well.
162. I searched for a lighter on Amazon, but all I could find was 401 matches.
163. Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hang out with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with? I’m just asking for a friend.
164. How do I look? With your eyes.
165. Did you hear about the nurse who was chewed out by the doctor because she was absent without gauze?
166. The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this
167. My son has his BA and his MA—but his PA still supports him.
168. An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough.
169. The little boy asked his dad why there were balloons in the bathroom. The dad said because he was planning a birthday potty for him.
170. I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future. It’s probably because I don’t have 2020 vision.
171. Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject. Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
172. I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table.
173. Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?” I burst into tears—11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
174. My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.
175. “Knock, knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Alabama.”
“Anybody with you?”
“Nope. I’m Alabama self.”
176. If I ever find the doctor who messed up my limb replacement surgery, I’ll kill him with my bear hands.
177. I’m starting my new job at a restaurant next week. I can’t wait.
178. I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more. He’s basically one big Banner.
179. A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”
180. Want to hear a joke about going to the bathroom? Urine for a treat.
181. Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.
182. Broken guitar for sale – no strings attached.
183. I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.
184. I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.
185. I just bought a dictionary but all of the pages are blank. I have no words to describe how mad I am.
186. I sold our vacuum cleaner; it was just gathering dust.
187. My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don’t see the point.
188. Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity? It’s impossible to put down.
189. Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.
190. I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel. She said I won’t be able to make it.
191. Knock, knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Nobel.”
“Nobel who?”
“No-bel, so I knocked.”
192. My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That’s my stepladder,” he said. “I never knew my real ladder.”
193. I often feel depressed when I don’t play video games, but I always find a way to console myself.
194. I have a joke about trickle-down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.
195. I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.
196. I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there.
197. I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren’t going to work out.
198. I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.
199. Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.
200. I, for one, like Roman numerals.
201. If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?
202. I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden, but how am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden?
203. I can’t take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
204. Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere!
205. I don’t get why bakers aren’t wealthier. They make so much dough.
206. Do I enjoy making courthouse puns? Guilty.
207. My IQ test results came back. They were negative.
208. I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesn’t come with a driver. I can’t believe I have nothing to chauffer it.
209. Rest in peace, boiled water. You will be mist.
210. How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.
211. I couldn’t figure out how to use the seat belt. Then it just clicked.
212. I could never be a plumber, it’s too hard watching your life’s work go down the drain.
213. I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.
214. I got an email the other day teaching me how to read maps backwards, turns out it was just spam.
215. Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.
216. Try the seafood diet—you see food, then you eat it.
217. I visited a weight loss website, they told me I have to have cookies disabled.
218. We all know about Murphy’s Law: anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law? It’s thinly sliced cabbage.
219. A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”
220. I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.
221. To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.
222. I just found out I’m colourblind. The news came out of the purple!
223. You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.
224. I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today. Don’t worry, I’m not hurt. It was a soft drink.
225. I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.
226. Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
227. If prisoners could take their own mug shots, they’d be called cellfies.
228. In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.
229. I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing.
230. I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess.
231. My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta. I’m feeling cannelloni right now.
232. I’m reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.
233. Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.
234. My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I’m trying to put him off. I’m convinced his life will be in ruins.
235. Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines.
236. I was going to tell you a fighting joke but I forgot the punch line.
237. I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something.
238. In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.
239. If a pig loses its voice, does it become disgruntled?
240. People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.
241. Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.
242. In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble.
243. Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It’s tearable.
244. Someone complimented my parking today. They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”
245. My wife recently went on a tropical food diet and now our house is full of this stuff. It’s enough to make a mango crazy.
246. I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure. I said no, but I could perform Bohemian Rhapsody.
247. I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off. There was too much sax and violins.
248. Want to hear a construction joke? Sorry, I’m still working on it.
249. A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.” “Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You’ll just have to learn to be a little patient.”
250. A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. I asked him why and he said, “It’s a moving violation.”
251. When you have a bladder infection, urine trouble.
252. I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
253. Stop looking for the perfect match. Use a lighter.
254. I startled my next-door neighbour with my new electric power tool. I had to calm him down by saying “Don’t worry, this is just a drill!”
255. Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.
256. I broke my arm in two places. My doctor told me to stop going to those places
257. I quit my job at the coffee shop the other day. It was just the same old grind over and over.
258. A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean. Both crews were marooned.
259. I burned 2000 calories today, I left my food in the oven for too long.
260. I tried to start a professional hide and seek team, but it didn’t work out. Turns out, good players are hard to find.
261. Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.
262. My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill. “Sure,” I said. “My door is always open.”
263. Police arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states: solid, liquid, and gas.
264. During my calculus test, I had to sit between identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them.
265. I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support windows.
266. A guy walks into a bar and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”
267. My doctor told me I was going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.
268. An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough.
269. I never buy anything that has Velcro with it, it’s a total rip-off.
270. I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”
271. I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table.
272. I begin to read a horror novel in Braille. Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
273. My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home.
274. A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.
275. Cop: “I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.”
Man: “Wait! I can explain everything!”
276. I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked if it was to scale. “No,” I said. “It’s to look at.”
277. My friend couldn’t afford to pay his bill, so I sent him a “Get Well Soon” card.
278. I wondered why the frisbee kept on getting bigger. Then it hit me.
279. I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor.
280. A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright.
281. Anyone can be buried when they die, but if you want to be cremated then you have to urn it.
282. I asked the IT guy, “How do you make a Motherboard?” He said, “I tell her about my job.”
283. A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”
284. Occasionally to relax I just like to tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That’s just how I roll.
285. I used to work at a soft drink can crushing company, it was soda pressing.
286. My brother named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watchdogs.
287. I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help.
288. Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? He pasta way.
289. I am such a good singer that people always ask me to sing solo. Solo that they can’t hear me. Sometimes they ask me to sing tenor as well. tenor twelve miles away.
290. When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, that identity theft is a crime.
291. Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named the worst employee at the toy factory.
292. I burnt my Hawaiian pizza today in the oven, I should have cooked it on aloha temperature.
293. “Just say NO to drugs!” Well, if I’m talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.
294. In 2017 I didn’t do a marathon. I didn’t do one in 2018, 2019, or 2020, either. This is a running joke.
295. Ever since we started quarantining, I’ve only been telling inside jokes.
296. I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes.
297. My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don’t believe him, but that’s his story and he’s sticking to it.
298. A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” he says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”
299. When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body.
300. Women should not have children after 36 — really, 36 children is enough.
Looking for more? Read some funny Father’s Day Jokes and Mother’s Day Jokes too!
