150 Doctor Jokes To Leave You In Stitches

150 Doctor Jokes To Leave You In Stitches
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Being sick is no fun and be it a doctor or healthcare worker, we can always use some good doctor jokes to tickle your funny bone. If you have a friend or colleague that works in medicine, be sure to tell them some of these funny Doctor jokes to keep them laughing!

Doctor Jokes To Cure The Blues

Doctor Jokes To Cure The Blues

1. Does an apple a day keep the doctor away?
Only if you aim it well enough.

2. Why did the Dalmatian go to the eye doctor?
He kept seeing spots.

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3. What did the doctor say to the rocket ship?
“Time to get your booster shot!”

4. What don’t you want to hear in the middle of surgery?
“Where’s my watch?”

5. Why did the doctor make an emergency call to the graveyard?
Because all the coffin.

6. What did the doctor prescribe to the man who couldn’t stop breaking wind?
A kite.

7. Why didn’t Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough?
Because a cold never bothered her anyway.

8. Why did the grasshopper go to the doctor?
He kept feeling jumpy.

9. Why did Dracula go to the doctor?
He couldn’t stop coffin!

10. What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil?
“Get dressed up — the doctor is taking us out!”

11. Why did the bucket go to the doctor?
He had a pail face.

12. What do you call a doctor who fixes websites?
A URL-ologist.

13. Did you hear about the guy who lost his whole left side?
He’s all right now!

14. Why did the rope go to the doctor?
It had a knot in its stomach.

15. Why did the mattress go to the doctor?
It had spring fever.

16. Why did the robot go to the doctor?
She had a virus!

17. Where do sick boats go to get healthy?
To the dock!

18. Why is a doctor always calm?
They have a lot of patients.

19. How did the doctor cure the invisible man?
He took him to the ICU.

20. Why did the doctor take a red pen to work?
In case, she wanted to draw blood!

21. Why did Santa’s helper see the doctor?
He had low elf esteem.

22. What do you get when a doctor goes back in time to teach himself medicine?
A pair o’ docs.

23. Why did the witch go to the doctor?
She had a dizzy spell.

24. Why did the calendar have to visit the doctor?
It had a terrible year-ache.

25. What did the balloon say to the doctor?
“I feel light-headed.”

26. What’s the best place to hide from a doctor?
The apple orchard.

27. Why did the banana go to the doctor?
He wasn’t peeling well.

28. How did you find that doctor was fake? He had good handwriting.

29. Who is the coolest doctor in the hospital?
The hip consultant.

30. How do you know your doctor is a vampire?
He draws your blood from your neck with a straw!

31. What did the judge say to the dentist?
“Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth?”

32. Why do surgeons wear masks?
So no one will recognize them when they make a mistake.

33. Why did the king go to the dentist?
To get his teeth crowned!

34. Why did the doctor tell the nurses to be quiet when walking past the medicine cabinet?
So they wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills!

35. Why did the pillow go to the doctor?
He was feeling all stuffed up!

36. Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
He was feeling really crumby.

37. Why did the library book go to the doctor?
It needed to be checked out.

38. What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
For one, you get treatment; for the other, you get oinkment.

39. What did the man say to the x-ray technician after swallowing some money?
“Do you see any change in me?”

40. Who stands in for doctors when they need to go on leave?
The hip replacement guy.

41. Why did the computer go to the doctor?
It thought it had a terminal illness.

42. Did you hear about the optometrist that fell into his lens grinding machine?
He made a spectacle of himself.

43. Why did the doctor laugh at the x-ray of an arm?
Because he found the x-ray humerus.

44. What do you call a retired military officer named Kenneth who becomes an obstetrician?
General Ken OB.

Funny Doctor Jokes To Remedy A Bad Day

Funny Doctor Jokes To Remedy A Bad Day

Having a bad day? Need a little pick me up? Look no further. Here are some funny doctor jokes and short puns to remedy a frown to turn it upside down. Quote these one-liners or funny story conversations to lighten the mood.

45. I thought chiropractors were a big hoax.
But I stand corrected.

46. You’ll never believe who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor!

47. Knock, knock,
Who’s there? Minneapolis. Minneapolis who? Minneapolis a day keeps the doctor away!

48. Knock, knock,
Who’s there? 3:30. 3:30 who? I made a doctor’s appointment for 3:30 p.m. Let me in!

49. Knock, knock!
Who’s there? Colin who? Colin the doctor… I’m sick!

50. I can’t believe I wanted to be an obstetrician.
I can’t even deliver a joke.

51. After a long debate with my Wife, I decided that we won’t vaccinate our kids
We think the doctor would do a way better job than us

52. Right before surgery the surgeon says: “Relax, Jim. It’s just a small scalpel incision. No reason to panic.”
The patient replies: “But, Doctor, my name is not Jim.” The surgeon says: “I know. I’m Jim.”

53. Doctors ask you where it hurts, but then put pressure on it.

54. A man working with an electric saw accidentally saws off all 10 fingers. He rushes to the emergency room.
The doctor says, “Give me the fingers and I’ll see what I can do.” “But, I don’t have the fingers!” “Why didn’t you bring the fingers?!” asks the incredulous doctor. “Doc, I couldn’t pick them up.”

55. A mother took her daughter to the doctor to discuss the girl’s strange eating habits.
“All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to her?” “Eventually,” said the doctor. “She will rise and shine.”

56. As a brain wave technologist, I often ask postoperative patients to smile to make sure their facial nerves are intact. It always struck me as odd to be asking this question right after brain surgery, so a colleague suggested I ask patients to show me their teeth. Armed with this new phrase, I said to my next patient, “Mr. Smith, show me your teeth.” He shook his head. “The nurse has them.”

57. An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings at that time.
“I have good news and bad news”, the owner replied. “Which one would you you like to hear first?”
“Give me the good news first.”
“The good news is that, a man enquired about your work and wondered, if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it will, he brought all fifteen of your paintings.”
The artist exclaims, “That’s wonderful. What’s the bad news?”
“The man was your doctor…….”

58. A skeleton went to the doctor.
The doctor looked at the skeleton and said, “Aren’t you a little late?”

59. Yesterday, the doctor told me I was colorblind.
The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

60. A man goes to the doctors and says, “Doctor, I think I’m going deaf!”
And the doctor says, “Can you describe the symptoms?” The man responds, “Yes, Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair.”

61. A women gets up mid-flight to the US and shouts “Is there a doctor here?”
A nice, serious guy approaches her quickly and tells her: “I am. What is the problem?”
She replies: “Do you want to meet my daughter?”

62. My dermatologist was fired today.
I’m told he made too many rash decisions.

63. Did you hear the one about the germ?
Never mind; I don’t want to spread it around.

64. A man walks into a doctor’s office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear, and a banana in his right ear.
“What’s the matter with me?” he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, “You’re not eating properly.”

65. My ex got into a bad accident recently.
I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like.

66. A dermatologist makes a fortune selling skin cream and runs off with the money.
Rumor has it he was last spotted on his way to a topical island.

67. Husband: “The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks.”
Wife: “And did he?” Husband: “Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill.”

68. As I was admitted to the hospital for a procedure, the clerk asked for my wrist and said, “I’m going to give you a bracelet.”
“Has it got rubies and diamonds?” I asked. “No,” he said. “But it costs just as much.”

69. Two years ago, my doctor told me I was going deaf.
I haven’t heard from him since.

70. A bicycle rolls into the doctor’s office. It says, “Doc, you gotta help me! I can’t keep from yawning all day long.”
The doctor says, “Well, I think it’s because you’re two tired.”

71. A woman went to her doctor’s office with a seemingly incurable case of hiccups. A new doctor examined her, and after a few minutes, she began to scream and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. After she explained, the older doctor went to the new doctor and said, “What’s the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?”
The new doctor smiled and said, “Cured her hiccups though, didn’t it?”

72. A hypochondriac told his doctor he was certain he had a fatal disease.
“Nonsense,” scolded the doctor. “You wouldn’t know if you had that. With that particular disease, there’s no discomfort of any kind.” “Oh no!” gasped the patient. “Those are my symptoms exactly!”

73. I went to the doctor this morning and said, “I’ve swallowed a golf ball.”
The doctor said, “Yes, I can see it’s gone down a fairway.”

74. Jerry is in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
“I’m OK, but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered. “What did he say?” asked the nurse. “OOPS!”

75. I went to the doctor, and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said compared to who?

76. I still remember the day the doctor told me I was mute.
I had no words.

77. My kid’s paediatrician cancelled my appointment because I was five minutes late
He has very little patients.

78. The old man was sitting on the examining table in the doctor’s office, having his hearing checked. The doctor poked his light scope in the old man’s ear and said, “Hey, you have a suppository in your ear!”
“Rats,” said the old man. “Now I know where my hearing aid went.”

79. I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places.
She told me to stop going to those places.

80. A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of cough syrup. Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks, “Well? Are you still coughing?” The patient replies, “No, I’m afraid to.”

81. So a guy walks into a bar and orders a pint of less.
The bartender asks, “What’s less?” The guy says “I don’t know but the doctor told me I have to start drinking it.”

82. The doctor told his patient to stop using a Q-Tip, but it went in one ear and out the other.

83. Receptionist: “The doctor is so funny; he’ll have you in stitches.”
Patient: “I hope not — I only came in for a checkup.”

84. A man goes to the doctor with a flatulence problem. The doctor asks, “How often do you pass gas?” and the man replies 10 to 15 times an hour. The doctor goes back to his office and returns with a pole with an iron hook. The man screams, “What are you going to do with that, Doc?”
The doctor replies, “I’m going to open some windows.”

85. The man told his doctor that he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, “I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.”
“Well, in plain English,” the doctor replied, “you’re just lazy.” “OK,” said the man. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”

86. When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.

87. “I’m sorry,” said the doctor to his patient. “You have a rare and very contagious disease. We must quarantine you, and you’ll only be fed cheese and bologna.”
“Will that cure me?” the patient asked. “Well, no,” the doctor replied, “but it’s the only food that will fit under the door.”

88. A girl takes her big fat cat to the vet.
“My cat is very fat, she says.
“Alright,” says the vet. “I will look at him.”
The vet picks up the cat and examines its teeth. Then she looks at its eyes. Then into its ears.
Finally, she turns to the girl and says, I’m very sorry. I’m going to have to put your cat down.”
“Oh no! Because he’s so fat?”
“Yes, says the doctor. My arms are very tired.”

89. An old woman visits the doctor for a routine check-up.
“Doctor, I have constant gas, but the farts are always silent and they don’t stink!”
The doctor prescribes her some pills and sends her on her way.
Two weeks later she returns for a follow-up.
“Doctor, I still have constant silent farts, but now they stink!”
Doctor replies, “Alright, so we have cleared out those sinuses, now for your hearing…”

90. A man went to visit his doctor because his arm is hurting.
“Doc, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please?” the man pleads.
The doctor rolls up the man’s sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk.
“Hello, Doctor,” says the arm. “Could you lend me twenty bucks please? I’m desperate!”
“Aha!” says the doctor. ”I see the problem. Your arm is broke!”

91. If I’m being subjective, I’d say that the greatest hero in Sci Fi is Doctor Who. But if I’m being completely objective…
I’d say it’s Doctor Whom.

92. My doctor recommended to eat at BurgerKing more often
Well, he said I should not have McDonalds anymore, but I know what he meant.

93. “Mom? Don’t freak out, but I’m in the hospital…”
“Steven, you’ve been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that.”

94. My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before.
I replied, “Yes just once.”
The doctor asked, “What was it like?”
I said, “It was dark, then suddenly very bright.”

95. I’m not having much luck with jobs lately.
I couldn’t concentrate in the orange juice factory; wasn’t suited to be a tailor; the muffler factory was just exhausting; couldn’t cut it as barber; didn’t have the patience to be a doctor; didn’t fit in the shoe factory; pool maintenance was too draining and I just couldn’t see any future as a historian.

96. The doctor stood by the bedside of a very sick patient and said, “I cannot hide the fact that you are very ill. Is there anyone you would like to see?”
“Yes,” replied the patient faintly. “Another doctor.”

97. I have a mysterious illness where I seem to get sick only during the work week. So, I went to my doctor.
He said it was a weekend immune system.

Funny Doctor Conversation Jokes

Funny Doctor Conversation Jokes

Ever had a funny conversation with a doctor? We hope that these lighthearted conversations that doctors have with another person is sure to tickle your funny bone and will bring a smile or two to your face.

98. Doctor: “What seems to be your trouble?”
Patient: “When I get up I feel dizzy for one hour?”
Doctor: “Try getting up one hour later.”

99. Patient: “Doctor, I am feeling much better now. Please give me your bill.”
Doctor: “Be calm. You are not strong enough for this yet.”

100. Doctor: “You are very sick.”
Patient: “Can I get a second opinion?”
Doctor: “Yes, of course! You are very ugly too.”

101. Patient: “Doctor, tell me how I can repay you for your kindness.”
Doctor: “You can pay by cash, check, or money order.”

102. Patient: “Someone decided to graffiti my house last night!”
Doctor: “So why are you telling me?”
Patient: “I can’t understand the writing. Was it you?”

103. Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I feel like a dog.”
Doctor: “How long have you felt like this?”
Patient: “Since I was a puppy.”

104. Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I stood on a LEGO!”
Doctor: “Try to block out the pain.”

105. Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”

106. Patient: “Will this ointment clear up my spots?”
Doctor: “I never make rash promises.”

107. Patient: “Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.”
Doctor: “Sit down and don’t stir.”

108. Parent: “Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor-blade.”
Doctor: “Don’t panic, I’m coming immediately. Have you done anything yet?”
Parent: “Yea, I shaved with the electric razor.”

109. Patient: “Doctor, I think I’ve been bitten by a vampire.”
Doctor: “Drink this glass of water.”
Patient: “Will it make me better?”
Doctor: “No, but I’ll be able to see if your neck leaks.”

110. Patient: “Doctor, are the test results ready yet? I’m dying of curiosity!”
Doctor: “Not only from curiosity.”

111. Secretary: “Doctor, there’s a patient on line one who says he’s invisible.”
Doctor: “Well, tell him I can’t see him right now.”

112. Doctor: “Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed 10 quarters last night?”
Nurse: “No change yet.”

113. Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into curtains.”
Doctor: “Pull yourself together!”

114. Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I think I am losing my memory!”
Doctor: “When did that happen?”
Patient: “When did what happen?”

115. Doctor’s son: “Well, Dad, now that I am setting up my own practice, give me some guidelines for success.”
Doctor’s father: “Always write your prescriptions illegibly and your bills legibly.”

116. Doctor: “Quick, he’s losing a lot of blood. He needs an infusion — what’s his blood type?!”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “I’m trying, but he’s lost a lot of blood.”

117. Doctor: “Want the good news or the bad news first?”
Patient: “Good news, please.”
Doctor: “Well, they’re naming a disease after you.”

118. Woman: “My husband swallowed an Aspirin by mistake. What should I do now?”
Doctor: “Give him a headache now; what else!”

119. Doctor: “I’m just waiting for your x-ray.”
Woman: “But I’ve never dated anyone named Ray.”
Doctor: “Aaaaand we might do a brain scan.”

120. Patient: “Whenever I drink coffee, I have this sharp, excruciating pain.”
Doctor: “Try to remember to remove the spoon from the cup before drinking.”

121. Doctor: “I’ve got very bad news. You’ve got the flu and Alzheimer’s.”
Patient: “Well, at least I don’t have the flu.”

122. The doctor said my voice box is damaged and I may never speak again.
I can’t tell you how upset I am.

123. Doctor: “I have some bad news and some very bad news.”
Patient: “Well, might as well give me the bad news first.”
Doctor: “The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.”
Patient: “24 HOURS! That’s terrible!! What could be worse? What’s the very bad news?”
Doctor: “I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.”

124. Patient: “Doctor, doctor, You’ve got to help me — I just can’t stop my hands from shaking!”
Doctor: Do you drink a lot?”
Patient: “Not really — I spill most of it!”

125. Man: “My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”
Doctor: “Is this her first child?” Man: “No! This is her husband!”

126. Patient: “I always see spots before my eyes.”
Doctor: “Didn’t the new glasses help?”
Patient: “Sure, now I see the spots much clearer.”

127. Me: “Aren’t you going to treat me?”
Doctor: “I am treating you.”
Me: “You’re just staring at me.”
Doc: “It’s called silent treatment.”

128. Patient: “Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?”
Doctor: “Yes, of course.”
Patient: “Great! I never could before!”

129. Doctor: sorry sir but your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg

130. Doctor: You might have a phobia of marriage. Do you think you have the symptoms?
Man: Can’t say I do.
Doctor: Yes. That’s the main one.

131. Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They’re both fine. And, your brother named them for you.
Woman: No No No! Not my brother. What did he name the girl?
Doctor: Denise.
Woman: Ohh, that’s actually a nice name. What about the boy?
Doctor: Denephew.

132. Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I’m addicted to brake fluid.”
Doctor: “Nonsense, man — you can stop anytime.”

133. Doctor: Sir, i’m afraid your DNA is backwards
Me: And ?

134. Man: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!
Doctor: Wow! That’s the worst case of parking son’s disease that I have ever seen.

135. Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I’m sorry but your wife didn’t make it
Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made

136. Doctor: “You’re as healthy as a horse!”
Jimmy: “That’s great.”
Doctor: “A horse with kidney stones.”

137.  Doctor: I’ve got good news and bad news
Patient: What’s the good news?
Doctor: They’re gonna name a disease after you.

138. Patient: Doctor, I’m hearing a ringing sound?
Doctor: Then answer the phone.

139. Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I feel like a carrot.”
Doctor: “Don’t get yourself in a stew.”

140. Patient: “Doctor, my son has swallowed a pen. What can I do?”
Doctor: “Use a pencil until I come to see him.”

141. “Doctor, I’ve swallowed a watch. What should I do?”
“Take these pills, they should help you pass the time.”

142.  Patient: “Doctor I have pain in my eye whenever I drink tea”
Doctor: “Take the spoon out of your mug.”

143. Patient: “Doctor, you told me I have a month to live and then you sent me a bill for $1,000. I can’t pay that before the end of the month!”
Doctor: “OK, then you have six months to live.”

144. Patient: “Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow.”
Doctor: “How do you feel?” Patient: “A little down in the mouth.”

145. Patient: “Doctor, I need your help. I’m addicted to checking my Twitter.”
Doctor: “I’m so sorry; I don’t follow.”

146. Doctor: “I accidentally left my gloves inside your stomach during your operation. We have to open you back up.”
Patient: “Are you kidding me?! Tell you what, take this $10 bill and buy a new pair!”

147. Doctor: I have some good news and bad news.
Me: Tell me the bad news first doc.
Doctor: The bad news is they mistook a piece of candy for your toe.
Me: No way. What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is the surgery was successful.
Me: What are you trying to say?
Doctor: You now have a Tic-Tac toe.

148. Pirate: “I have moles on me back aaarrrghh.”
Doctor: “It’s ok, they’re benign.”
Pirate: “Count again, I think there be ten!”

149. Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I’m going to die in 59 seconds!”
Doctor: “Hang on, I’ll be there in a minute.”

150. Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I’ve got a strawberry stuck in my ear!”
Doctor: “Don’t worry, I have some cream for that.”

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